Revenge of the angry fan boy

Rumor has it that Revenge of the Sith will be Jar-Jar free. This, more than anything else, makes me consider actually going to see it in the theater. And I seriously doubt I’m the only one to breathe a huge sigh of relief and feel A New Hope.

Perhaps I should explain: Star Wars changed my life. I was a massive fan boy, so excited about the release of episode one the wait was unbearable. And then to have the long wait rewarded by being poked in the eyeballs with the inexcusable piece of offal that was The Phantom Menace was viscerally painful. Apart from the ridiculous script and wooden acting, the main source of pain was that hopped-up retarded lizard walking around doing a step-n-fetch-it impersonation.

[Dimming lights and ominous music.] The horror, the horror.

So here’s an idea for Lucas to increase inevitable DVD sales from gargantuan to planet-crushing: Make an extended version with a gruesome death scene for Jar-Jar.

Myself, I picture some sort of intergalactic wood chipper slowly sucking lizard breath in, blood and pulped intestines splattering from the exhaust.

“Meesa hurt! Make bad machine stop!”

You could even put in a giggling Sith Lord with his finger on the switch if it helps you preserve your “Artistic Vision.”